停止操控行為：六個步驟
6 Steps to Stop Your Controlling Behavior
作者：Sunshyne 誠之譯自：
https://sunshynegray.com/6-steps-to-stop-your-controlling-behavior/
https://yimawusi.net/2022/12/15/6-steps-to-stop-your-controlling-behavior/
 
“你的控制欲太強了！”曾經有人對你說過這句話嗎？有人對我說過，而且說的一點兒沒錯！當時我並沒有意識到這一點，而是採用了經典的指責方法和找藉口。我還躲在我的“A型”人格藉口後面。
“You’re so controlling!” Has that ever been said to you? It’s been said to me and it was true! Rather than own it at that time, I went with the classic blaming method and excuse-making. I also hid behind my “Type A” personality excuse.
 
把時間快轉，我現在可以看到，我的操控乃是源於恐懼。在我談及恐懼是如何誘發操控之前，讓我們退一步談一談操控。
Fast forward time, I can now see, my control was rooted in fear. Before I talk about how fear motivates control, let’s back up and talk about control.
 
掌控/駕馭/支配被定義為指導人們的行為或事件過程的能力。
Control is defined as the power to direct people’s behavior or the course of events.
 
操控行為的問題是，它不是上帝為你的生活制定的目的的一部分。當我們從事上帝對我們的目的之外的模式時，我們的生活就會失去喜樂、平安。這種模式對人際關係也是非常有害的。“我喜歡被操控”，沒有人會這樣說。永遠不會。它讓親密關係和溝通離我們遠去。沒有人願意這樣。
The problem with controlling behavior is, it’s not part of God’s purpose for your life. When we engage in patterns outside of God’s purpose for us, joy and peace will leak out of our lives. This pattern is also very damaging to relationships. “I like being controlled”, said …No One. Ever. It causes intimacy and communication to head for the door. Nobody wants that.
 
操控的起點總是那麼微妙，就是想要快速奏效。這是啥意思？我來解釋一下。我們通常從感到有點焦慮開始，所以我們只操控一件小事，然後焦慮就得到了緩解。這種緩解是一種達到速效（quick win）的方法。它不會產生持久的結果，但它立刻就能奏效。
Control always starts out so subtly with quick wins. Huh? Let me explain. We usually start by feeling a little anxious, so we control just a small thing and the anxiety gets relieved. That relief is a quick win. It does not yield lasting results, but it is fast acting.
 
讓我們正視這個問題：我們喜歡速戰速決，喜歡即時的滿足，以及任何可以快速奏效的東西。缺點是我們最終會追逐速效，然後就變成了一種模式。接下來的事你已經知道了，“你的控制欲太強了！”
Let’s face it… We love quick wins, immediate gratification and anything fast-acting. The downside is we end up chasing quick wins and then we have a pattern. Next thing you know, “You’re so controlling!”
 
嗯！沒有人想成為這樣的人。那麼是什麼導致了操控呢？……是恐懼！
Ugh! Nobody wants to be that person. So what is motivating the control? …Fear!
 
· 害怕別人的看法
· 害怕被拋棄
· 害怕經歷情感上的痛苦
· 害怕失去掌控
· 害怕失敗
· 害怕失望
· 害怕、害怕、害怕……（順便說一句，這不是一個詳盡的清單）。
Fear of what others think
Fear of abandonment
Fear of experiencing emotional pain
Fear of loss of control
Fear of failure
Fear of disappointment
Fear, fear, fear  (this is not an exhaustive list, by the way)
 
改變操控行為的模式
Changing Patterns of Controlling Behavior
 
1. 覺察是關鍵。我們首先要知道這兩者的差異：什麼是我們可以控制的，什麼是無法操控的。
1. Awareness is key. We first have to know the difference between what is in our control and what is not.
 
釐清責任（circle of concern），見《改變生命改變心》，239頁
 
你絕對可以駕馭自己的思想、情感和行為。但你不能支配別人的思想、情感和行為。這並不意味著你不應該關心其他人的想法、感受和行為，但我們正在放棄操控他人或環境的想法或企圖。我們選擇將我們所關心的交託給上帝。
You are absolutely in control of your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. You are not in control of other’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors. This does not mean you shouldn’t be concerned with other people’s thoughts, feelings and actions, but we are releasing the idea or attempts to control others or circumstances. We are choosing to entrust our concerns to God.
 
因為神賜給我們，不是膽怯的心，乃是剛強、仁愛、謹守的心。~提摩太後書1:7
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power, love and self-control. ~2 Timothy 1:7 ESV
 
2. 把你希望改變操控行為的願望形諸文字。認罪是大有能力的。它照亮黑暗，其權勢就被粉碎。與那些在信仰上經驗豐富的人交談，他們會鼓勵你並為你禱告，同時讓你負責任。
2. Put your desire for changing controlling behavior into words. Confession is powerful. It sheds light on darkness and it’s power is crushed. Talk with someone who is seasoned in their faith that will encourage and pray for you while keeping you accountable.
 
3. 寫日記以加深對“為什麼”的理解。當我們明白為什麼我們要操控別人或駕馭環境時，我們就能有效地解決問題的根源……恐懼！
3. Journal for deeper understanding of the “why’s”. When we understand why we are controlling others or circumstances, we can effectively address the root of the problem…fear!
 
這就跟拔雜草一樣。我們可以只是把它們拔掉，這樣表面上看起來就沒問題了，但從根本上拔掉它們會更有效。關係模式也是如此。如果我們只試圖在外表上做得更好，我們會感到疲憊。相反，讓我們直指問題的核心。
It’s like pulling weeds. We can just mow them down so it all looks okay at the surface, but pulling them out at the root is more effective. The same goes for patterns of relating. If we try to do better outwardly only, we will grow weary. Instead, let’s get to the heart of the problem.
 
如果你決定要寫日記，那麼就使用以下建議的句式：
If you decide journaling is the way to go, then use this suggested formula:
 
· 發生了什麼事（辨認出你在操控的時刻）？
· 你當時的感覺/反應如何？
· 如果你不干預或企圖操控局面，你擔心會發生什麼事？
· 在不操控或不干預的情況下，你可以如何應對？
· 下一次你會採取什麼不同的做法？
What happened (identify a time you were controlling)?
How did you feel / respond?
What were you afraid would happen if you didn’t intervene or try to control the situation?
How could you have responded without controlling or intervening?
What will you do differently next time?
 
4. 認識上帝的主權和信實。當我們操控時，我們實際上是在說：“神不能/祂不願意以我的方式處理這件事，所以我要自己來”。祂掌管萬有。
4. Recognize God’s sovereignty and faithfulness. When we control, we’re actually saying, “God can’t/won’t handle this my way, so I will”. He is in control over all things.
 
“我知道你萬事都能作，你的旨意不能攔阻”。~約伯記42:2
“I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted”. ~Job 42:2(NIV)
 
5. 選擇在一切與你有關的事情上信靠上帝，而不是企圖操控結果。我記得多年前我參加過一次貝絲·摩爾的學習，她說的一句話讓我記憶猶新…… “操控是你不信任上帝的一個強烈證明”。這句話讓我痛徹心扉！它引發了我的共鳴。你更信賴誰……世界的創造者還是你自己？
5. Choose to trust in God with all the things that concern you rather than try to control the outcome. I remember a Beth Moore study I did years ago and something she said never left me… “Control is a screaming testament of your distrust in God”. Ouch! It resonated with me. Who do you trust more… The Creator of the world or yourself?
 
6. 放鬆你的欲望。當我發現自己走在操控行為的道路上時，這意味著我正緊抓著我的欲望不放。我的恐懼就變成了：事情並不會按照我想要的那種方式去進展。翻譯出來就是：我那位擁有至高主權、值得信賴的上帝可能有一個不同的計劃。我的禱告就變成：求你為你的計劃預備我的心。
6. Hold your desires loosely. When I find myself headed down that path of controlling behavior, it means I’m holding my desires with a tight fist. My fear becomes – things aren’t going to go the way I want them to. Translated: My sovereign, trustworthy God might have a different plan than what I have planned. My prayer becomes – prepare my heart for Your plans.
 
人心多有計謀，惟有耶和華的籌算才能立定。~箴言19:21
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. ~Proverbs 19:21 (NIV)
 
“停止操控行為”給我們的啟發
“Stop Controlling Behavior” Take Away
 
上帝對祂子民的目的並不包括支配他人或環境。祂有更好的想法……那就是你會信靠祂，也信靠祂對你生命的計劃（倒抽一口涼氣！）。
God’s purpose for His people does not include controlling others or circumstances. He’s got something better in mind… That you would trust Him and His plans for your life (gasp!).
 
首先，我們揭露了引發操控的恐懼。當我們越來越意識到亟需改變時，我們認識到上帝在掌權，祂是值得信賴的。所以我們不要緊抓著我們的計劃不放。是時候練習新的行為模式了!
First, we uncover the fear that’s driving the control. As we become increasingly aware of much-needed change, we recognize God is in control and trustworthy. So we hold our plans loosely. Time to practice new patterns!
 
這些步驟所需要的不僅僅是知識……它需要實踐。新模式需要不斷練習。操控的誘惑仍然會從腦海中蹦出來，但現在你已經有一個周全的計劃了！
These steps require more than knowing… It requires doing. New patterns take practice. The temptation to control will still pop up, but now you have a plan!
 
你生命中的哪個領域需要從你的掌握中轉移到上帝的手中？
What area of your life needs to be moved from your grasp and into God’s hands?