教养熊孩子Parenting Ddifficult Child
作者: Julie Lowe 译者: Duncan Liang
父母心情最沉重的一些时候，就是你身边的人清楚看出你的孩子目中无人，很难相处。其他人会怎么想？这暴露了我这作父母的出了什么问题？他们可能认定你孩子的行为是教养无方，或你家中出了某些问题的结果。人甚至可能大胆与你分享他们的看法，丝毫没有意识到他们正在大大羞辱你。你们这些家有熊孩子的父母知道我在讲什么。你觉得因你孩子自己的挣扎，你被人挑出来当作靶子，甚至受到论断。你在那些“知道”你出了问题的人面前抬不起头。人认定他们看你是失败的父母。如果你真是称职的父母，肯定你的孩子会乖乖的，爱神，有礼貌。毕竟，他们的孩子没有如此不顺服。
Some of the most burdensome moments for
a parent are when it is clear to those around you that your child is defiant or
difficult. What are other people thinking? What does this say about me as a parent?
They might assume your child’s behavior is a result of inadequate parenting or
something else amiss in your home. People may even be bold enough to share
their views, without any sense of the shame they are heaping upon you. Those of
you with a difficult child understand. You feel marked, and even judged, by
your child’s personal struggles. You hang your head around people who “know” about
the problem. You assume they see you as a failure. If you were a good parent,
surely your children would be well-behaved, love God, and have good manners.
After all, their children are not so insubordinate.
如果你有这样的感受，你就可能已经接受了这种观念，就是好父母教养出好孩子，糟糕的父母教养出坏孩子。有时这看起来完全符合圣经。如果你教养孩童，使他走当行的道，他就不会偏离，难道不是吗？所以结论就是，如果你真足够敬虔、足够有智慧、足够有耐心，你的孩子就不会像现在这样悖逆了。看来正确的方法就是：爱加上管教加上敬虔的教训= “好孩子”。因为有时候这种方法看起来奏效，你就认定问题肯定出在你对孩子的教养方面。
If
this is how you feel, you may have bought into the belief that good parents
produce good children and bad parents produce bad children. At times, this
seems downright biblical. If you raise a child in the way he should go, he
won’t depart from it, right? So it follows that if you were godly enough, wise
enough and patient enough, your child would not be so rebellious. It seems that
the right formula is: love plus discipline plus godly instruction = “good”
kids. And because, at times, the formula does seem to work, you determine the
error must be in your parenting.
我听过许多父母说：“我们已经用尽一切选择，一切方法，一切形式的后果责罚……没有一样奏效。我试过平静；我试过管教一致；我试过诉诸于他们的良心，与他们一起祷告，为他们祷告。没有一样有用。什么也没有改变。“父母的意思是，这没有带来想要的行为改变或可见的内心变化。再一次，人的认定就是，用了这方法，却证明无效。
I’ve
heard many a parent say, “We’ve exhausted all options, all approaches, all
forms of consequences… and nothing worked. I tried being calm; I tried
consistent discipline; I tried appealing to their conscience and praying with
them and for them. Nothing helped. Nothing changed.” What the parent means is
that it did not produce the desired behavior change or a visible heart change.
The assumption is that, once again, the formula was applied, and it proved
useless.
但这是一种有缺陷、不符合圣经的进路。有好孩子出自很糟糕的家庭背景，有悖逆、任性的孩子出自好的基督徒家庭。孩子进入我们的世界，不是白板一块，而是有他们自己的个性、长短处、愿望和容易犯某种罪的试探。他们生来内心就受他们自己愿望吸引，他们行使意志力，为自己选择要成为哪种类型的人。你教养儿女的另一端，是一位活跃的、有道德的作出回应的小人儿——他们选择要服侍谁。父母没有办法担保有什么结果。
But this is a faulty, unbiblical
approach. Good kids come out of horrific family backgrounds, and rebellious,
willful kids come out of good, Christian homes. Children do not come to us as
blank slates, but with their own personalities, strengths, weakness, desires,
and temptations towards particular sin. They are born with hearts that are
wooed by their own desires, and they exercise volition to choose for themselves
the type of person they will become. There is an active moral responder on the
other end of your parenting—one who chooses whom they will serve. And there is
no way a parent can ensure the outcome.
当然，父母在孩子生命当中确实发挥举足轻重的作用，但不要接受这种观念，就是认定好的教养就要带来行为乖巧的孩子。这种观念不正确地把一切所有权和责任放在你身上。它带来的重担会试探你，让你想放弃，或使用糟糕、不敬虔的教养方法（发怒、大喊大叫、严酷、绝望、退让或完全撒手不管），因为这可能看起来短期奏效。
Of
course, a parent does play a significant role in a child’s life, but don’t buy
into the belief that assumes good parenting will produce well-behaved children.
It incorrectly places all the ownership and blame on you. And the burden of it
might tempt you to want to give up or resort to poor or ungodly parenting (anger,
yelling, harshness, despair, backing down, or backing away completely) because
it might appear to work in the short run.
那么你该怎么办？让我提两个建议，它们可能对你有所帮助。
What
then are you to do? Let me suggest two things that might help.
首先，反省你的动机。虽然你无需为你孩子糟糕的选择负责，但有没有可能你不知不觉让问题变得更严重？如果你因为孩子很难管就感到很挫败，绝望或愤怒，你就需要问自己：你用什么标准评判你自己？是谁的计划在指挥着你教养儿女？是属世、以自我为中心的计划，还是以基督为中心的计划？你可能会愿望得到好结果，却变得被非常糟糕的动机驱动。你是否太过在意你自己的安逸或名声？你是否希望你的孩子行为良好，几乎没有什么问题或挣扎？让你看起来形象很好，有果效，聪明和有爱心？你是否因为把自己投资在这孩子身上，看不到果效就变得苦毒？如果你对这些问题任何一个的回答是肯定的，你就要考虑为着掌控你内心的愿望认罪悔改。求神赐你恩典、刚毅和智慧，教养你那难管的孩子。求祂让你明白如何出于爱儿女、关心他们的福祉，而不是出于爱自己、关心自己福祉来回应你的孩子。
First,
evaluate your motivation. Though you are not responsible for your child’s bad
choices, could it be that, without realizing it, you are adding to the problem?
If you are frustrated, despairing, or angry because your child is difficult,
you need to ask yourself: What standard do you judge yourself by? Whose agenda
is dictating your parenting? Is it a worldly, self-centered agenda, or a
Christ-centered one? You can desire good things that become driven by very bad
motives. Do you care too much about your own comfort or reputation? Do you
desire a well-behaved child with few problems, or struggles? Children that make
you look good, that are productive, smart, and kind? Are you embittered because
you have invested yourself in this child and see no results? If you can answer
yes to any of these questions, consider confessing the desires that grip your
heart. Ask God to give you the grace, fortitude, and wisdom to parent your
challenging child. Ask him to show you how to respond to your child out of love
and concern for his or her wellbeing, not your own.
第二，提醒你自己，神对你这作父母的有什么呼召——不多、不少，只看神的呼召。祂呼召你爱你的孩子，以身作则体现出像基督一样的品格和生活方式，有智慧和深思熟虑地回应你孩子的挣扎。你要培养与永生神的个人关系，尽你所能，用神的形象塑造你孩子的优缺点。虽然神期望你用坚定的爱与智慧教养儿女，祂却无需要你为儿女的罪或反叛带来的结果负责。
Second,
remind yourself of what God calls you to as a parent—no more, no less. He calls
you to love your children, to model a Christ-like character and lifestyle, and
to respond wisely and thoughtfully to their struggles. You are to foster a
personal relationship with the living God, and, to the best of your ability,
shape your child’s strengths and weaknesses in his image. Though God expects
you to parent with consistent love and wisdom, he does not hold you responsible
for results that are driven by the child’s sin or rebellion.
停止“尝试”让事情生出一个特定的结果，只要努力敬虔教养儿女。不要根据你孩子的反应判断这是否有效。只要不断省察：
Stop “trying” to make things turn out a
particular way and just do the hard work of godly parenting. Do not judge its
effectiveness by your child’s response. Simply wrestle with this:
我是用爱心教养儿女吗？
我教养儿女连贯一致吗？
我教养儿女有智慧吗？
Is my parenting loving?
Is it consistent?
Is it wise?
这是够挑战的。仅仅在以上这几方面，你就会失败，知罪，需要赦罪。余下必须交给圣灵在孩子生命中动工。当你把你的教养儿女交给主，就会得到极大自由脱离论断，不再多多关注别人的看法，有更多盼望，较少绝望。让祂做余下的工作。正如加拉太书6:9所说：“我们行善，不可丧志。”
That
will be challenging enough. You will fail, be convicted, and need forgiveness
on those fronts alone. The rest must be left to the work of the Spirit in a
child’s life. You will find much freedom from judgement, less care for the
opinions of others, more hope and less despair when you commit your parenting
to the Lord. Let him do the rest. As Galatians 6:9 says, “Let us not grow weary
of doing good.”
