作者：Anna Smith 譯者：駱鴻銘
我躋身在眾多悲劇人物之列，因為我既是個完美主義者，凡事追求完美，又是個愛拖延時間的人，老是把事情拖到最後一分鐘才做。我的完美主義表現在每次想到失敗就會讓我嚇得魂飛魄散，忘了自己是誰。我擔心把事情搞砸，以至於不敢開始做任何事，因為我很有可能無法作得完美（無論是什麼事）、作得正確。
I am
one of those tragic figures who is both a perfectionist and a procrastinator. I
am such a perfectionist that the very idea of failure terrifies me to the core
of my being. I am so afraid of doing things wrong that I am afraid to start
because I will probably not do it (whatever “it” is) perfectly and correctly.
所以我必須一等再等，直到「擔心一事無成」的恐懼大過「無法作得完美」的恐懼，才會開始行動。一旦天平的指針偏斜了，我才會倉促地想要在最後一分鐘把事情做完，這說明我對「不完美」的正常憂慮已經被「無法在截止期限前完成」的恐懼所克服了。
So I
have to wait around until the fear of failure-by-not-finishing-at-all becomes
greater than the fear of failure-by-not-doing-it-perfectly. Once the scale tips
the balance, I can then scramble to try to get it done in the little remaining
time, my normal fear of imperfection having been overwhelmed by the terror of
it not being completed by the deadline.
如果你感到這並不是個健康的模式，恭喜你，因為這的確不是。但是我要說，這對我來說很有用。我在高中、大學、研究所的時候，在平衡這些恐懼感的事情上變得駕輕就熟，也算得上是個好學生，只是常把自己搞得很可憐而已。
If
this doesn’t sound like a healthy pattern to you, that’s good, because it
isn’t. But let me tell you, it works. In high school, college, and graduate school,
I became skilled at balancing those fears and I was a successful student, but
often a miserable one.
被恐懼糾纏Haunted by Fear
畢業離開學校之後，我發現這個策略在日常生活裏不像在學校時那麼好用。我的工作和生活沒有太多的截止期限，所以害怕無法把事情做得完美的恐懼失去了任何抗衡。實際上這意味著我花了太多時間在列舉我永遠無法好好處理的待辦事項上，因此心裏總是被一些該做卻沒有做的事情所糾纏，而這種生活是找不到快樂的。
Now
that I am out of school, I have found that this strategy doesn’t work as well
in normal life. My job and life have few deadlines, so the fear of not doing a
task perfectly doesn’t have any counterbalance. Effectively, that means I spend
most of my time with a to-do list that I never properly tackle, and so I am
always haunted by things that should be done and aren’t, which is not a
pleasant way to live.
生活中缺少截止期限的恐懼，迫使我更仔細地去查看造成我的完美主義的恐懼。這種恐懼感其實是由許多害怕所組成的：害怕失敗；害怕人們會發現我有缺點，因此不再愛我；害怕我一事無成；還有一種奇怪的恐懼，就是擔心失敗會把我給毀了，而不是把失敗當成一種學習的經驗，或是可以告訴我的孫兒們的一個會讓人捧腹大笑的故事。
The
lack of deadline fear in my life is forcing me to look more closely at the fear
that drives my perfectionism. It actually consists of many fears: fear that I
will fail, fear that people will find me lacking and no longer love me, fear
that I am not good enough for anything, and the strange fear that somehow
failure will destroy me rather than be a learning experience or a hilarious
story to tell my grandchildren.
這些恐懼存在的原因是因為我把自我價值建立在我的表現上。如果你愛自己（也相信別人會這樣愛你）只是因為你是個拿全A成績的學生，那麼，拿B+的成績就會威脅你的生存。
These
fears exist because I build my self-worth on my performance. If you can only
love yourself (and believe that others will love you) as a straight-A student,
then a B+ becomes an existential threat.
戰勝完美主義Defeating Perfectionism
為了戰勝我的完美主義，我必須放手，不再追求建立自我價值的整個工程。我在這事上是永遠不會成功的。我會犯錯，會讓人失望，會傷害別人。在一些有限的範圍內，忙碌地和自己可悲的想要成為完美的企圖交戰，不會解決這些事情。那些看似非常重要的工程，只會讓我分心，無法專注在真正的問題上。
In
order to defeat my perfectionism, I need to let go of the whole project of
establishing my own worthiness. I’ll never succeed. I make mistakes, I fail
people, I hurt people. Busily engaging in my own pathetic attempt at perfection
in limited areas doesn’t fix those things. These projects, which seem so
terribly important, just distract me from the real issue.
真正的問題在於：我是個罪人，也有一位聖潔的上帝，並且我不配從祂那裏獲得任何好事。我需要有人代替、代表我履行律法的要求，並且為我的失敗受審判。基督為我完成了這件事，並且已經藉著恩典，將祂的價值賜給我，而這意味著我的價值不再由我來決定。因著基督，我是美善的，我是安全的，而 B+（或更糟！）的成績無法給我這種真實的景況。The real issue is
that I am a sinner and there is a holy God, and I do not deserve good things
from him. I need someone to fulfill the demands of the law on my behalf and
suffer the judgment for my failures. Christ has done this exact thing for me
and extended his worthiness to me by grace, and it means that my worthiness is
no longer up for me to determine. Because of Christ, I am good, I am safe, and
no B+ (or worse!) can vouchsafe that reality.
我信這些，是因為它們是真的，然後這真理就釋放了我，使我得自由。這真理使我不再迷戀於追求完美，卻實際上能讓我做好我的工作。這篇文章，或這份指定作業，或這篇博文，不是一個公民表決，決定我身為一個人的價值，而只是我的嘗試，要在上帝安置我的位置上忠心。我時不時會失敗，我也知道我注定會失敗，上帝更知道我會失敗，但是有什麼關係呢？船到橋頭自然直。我不再需要拖延，因為我在任何方向上已經不再被害怕所驅使；我不需要去平衡這些恐懼。I believe these
things because they are true, and then the truth goes on to set me free. The
truth frees me from my obsession with achieving perfection and actually allows
me to do my jobs well. This paper, or this assignment, or this blog post, is
not a referendum on my worth as a person. It’s just an attempt to be faithful
where God has placed me. I will fail from time to time, and I know I’m going to
fail, and God knows I’m going to fail, and everything will still be ok. I do
not need to procrastinate because I am no longer driven by fears in any direction;
so I don’t need to balance them.
總結來說，放棄我的完美主義是百利而無一害的。但是這不是一件容易的事。萬一上帝對這整個恩典的工作不是認真的該怎麼辦？萬一只有表面上完美的人，可以承受上帝的國該怎麼辦？這就是信心、信靠、安息在上帝應許裏，可以發揮作用的時刻。Taken altogether,
letting go of my perfectionism is all gain and no loss. But it is still a
difficult thing to do. What if God didn’t really mean this whole grace
business? What if only the superficially perfect inherit the kingdom? That’s
where faith, and trust, and resting in the promises of God come in.
你們得救在於悔改和安息，你們得力在於平靜和信靠（賽卅15；新譯本）。有人信靠他們自己的成就（包括我！），有人信靠他們自己的表面（我也是，也經常如此！），我們卻靠主我們的上帝（正在努力當中！）。In repentance and
rest is your salvation; in quietness and trust is your strength. Some trust in
their achievements (including me!), and some trust in their own facades (me
too, quite often!), but we (are working to) depend on the Lord our God.
